The next year I focused on making serious changes in my life. I began speaking to my father again, I stopped hanging out with the father figure, I stopped doing drugs, I worked fulltime, I got myself a kitten, and I met the kindest man that ever walked into my life.
I dated my husband for a few months and eventually moved in with him and my cat. I knew he would be different. I knew the first night I spent with him that he was a wonderful person. He was the first man that I ever slept with (and I mean physically slept not sexually) that hand no intention of hurting me or taking advantage of me in any way. He only had one other relationship prior to me and she was a psycho. We were both a step up from each other’s previous choices. That first night he allowed me to fall asleep in his arms and just snuggled. The same the next night, and the next, and the next. He respected me, my boundaries, my flaws, and showed me endless love. We bonded over psycho ex experiences, losing our mothers, went on motorcycle rides, long car rides, watched movies, and spent time just being happy together. We spent the first year talking about how we would get married. We decided to put money down and book our wedding for October 5, 2013. That same night he gave me his mother’s ring and made our engagement official.
That same month I was diagnosed with Lymes Disease. It was a rough month between feeling sick, being on strong medications, and trying to work fulltime. Eventually, him and I agreed I would leave the job we met at and I would take some time to recover and plan the wedding.
We got married in the local town hall in front of our fathers, his brother, my best friend, and my childhood cousin/sister, so that I could have his medical benefits.
Late May Early June of 2013 I discovered I was pregnant. My wedding was scheduled a few months away and I was in full panic mode. How was I going to fit in my dress on my wedding day? I was not financially ready to have a baby, but at the same time i did not want to deal with the immense pain that you feel after having an abortion. So, I called my best Friend and she rushed over. I was so upset and in such a panic. but, after speaking to her for a while she was able to calm me down. We just decided I would have to announce the news at my wedding. All that ran through my mind is omg in a few months I’ll be married and a few short months later I would have a family.
I Started this whole thing off terrified about how it was going to ruin my wedding, but finally I saw that I was going to have a little family with my amazing hardworking husband. So, I became excited for our future. I began looking up baby cribs and room designs for both girls and boys and saving them to the Various Pinterest Boards I had created. I contacted the doctor to schedule my first check up, so they could test my hormone levels and make sure everything is growing as planned. The doctor did an ultrasound (I could not wait to bring my husband our first ultrasound pic). The doctor mumbled to herself a few times before calling over a nurse who just oohed and ahhhed at the screen. They advised the see the sac but cannot hear a heartbeat at that time. They advised all my info was going to be sent out and the results would take 2-3 days. Well they called Friday morning and advised I was having something called a missed miscarriage. This means the baby is no longer alive, but it needs to come out. They said I should experience painful bleeding for about 14 days and it should be over. If the sac does not expel from my body on its own in those 14 days I would have to return to the ER to have a DNC done and have it surgically removed.
I ran back to bed hysterically crying. My husband tried to calm me down but all I wanted was to lay in bed and cry the whole day. Was this God’s way of punishing me for having that abortion? Could this be because I had an abortion, and something went wrong possibly? I basically laid in bed for hours going over every what if combo. I was so depressed.
It took a few weeks for me to feel normal again. I felt like there was a huge void in my heart that I would never get back. But, I had to move on and plan my wedding.
With lots of organization, a couple bottles of wine, and some great friends, we managed to pull off a truly amazing Wedding. Everyone had an amazing time and it was a day I will NEVER forget.
Growing up you dream of your life in some magical fairy tale story of having prince charming and your whole family surrounding you with love. I had just that, except I was missing my mothers, my biological family, my biological father, and both my brothers were back in prison. I managed to keep my composure the whole day, but I did cry a lot during my father daughter dance when my father told me how proud my mother would have been of me. All the photos reflect me with that horrible ugly cry face. But, despite the one moment of memories, the rest of the evening was an amazing party with an amazing group of friends.
My husband and I opted out of going on a honeymoon. We spent the week together reconciling my old speeding tickets, and just enjoying some good quality time together. One night while we were sitting on the couch, I causally brought up that I want to try and have a baby. He advised that we were not financially ready to have a kid. I began to cry and told him I felt that way at first too, however, the happiness I felt once I accepted, I was pregnant was a level of happy I want to be again. I feel like that little bit of happiness was stolen from me. He reluctantly agreed, and we decided we would try to have a baby.
Mid October 2013 We got a bunch of ovulation tests and attempted to track my cycles, so we could do the deed and hopefully get pregnant. Well 4 weeks later the test was negative. This was okay in my Brain as it was only our first try.
November 2013 We continued testing and another negative.
December 2013 We continued testing and again got another negative. I was becoming discouraged at this point because I wanted to give an announcement at Christmas time.
January 2014 We continued testing, but added pineapple core to my diet to help boost fertility. Another Negative. I was really discouraged by this point, so I called my doctor to ask if there is anything I can do to help make it happen?! She advised “Stop trying so hard”. Easier said than done. The longer it took I became more desperate for ideas to boost fertility. I resorted to the women in my Trying to Conceive Group.
February 2014 We continued the ovulation tests. The test was negative.
March 2014 We stopped stressing over it because I was worrying myself sick. One of my best friends came to spend the night at my house so I could take her to her scheduled c section in the morning. While they were in the operating room, I remained in the delivery room. I sat there and looked around the delivery room and just cried. My friend was in the process of giving birth to her unplanned child. Yet I have been trying like hell to have a baby and NOTHING. That whole morning, I was extremely bummed out. I was so happy to be able to hold the new baby, but it crushed me on the inside. The next few days were just depression filled days as I visited the baby every day in the hospital. I was so jealous.
April 2014 Took a pregnancy test from last month expecting the usual disappointing result, but this time it had TWO pink lines. I WAS PREGNANT! I was so insanely happy. I contacted the DR right away and explained my history and how I wanted to be checked right away. They agreed. So, I had my first checkup apt at 6 weeks prego. They found a heartbeat (I cried).
But no one warned me of the process of pregnancy….
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